Notice the Label, but Focus on the Ingredients

Ever since I entered the life I have been fascinated, disgusted and confused about labels with the black lesbian gay community. I emphasize the BLACK GAY community because lesbians tend to differ based on cultural differences. For sistahs, there tends to be a strong school of thought that supports a traditional butch/femme identity. Coming into the life you are admonished that you "fit into" a box. Sometimes you are able to make that decision, but mist times it is other people's perceptions which place you in a category.

For instance, last week I was talking to one of my friends who self identifies as a stud. She told me that I was very girly because I wore a dress. From her perspective, I could only be a femme and no matter how I acted or perceived myself I was placed into the femme box. So my friend goes on to tell me that because I like to cook and I like chivalry and occasional whiffs of cologne that I must be a femme. Femme to her is the opposite of stud which is the category that she would place herself in, even though I remember when she wore skirts, had a permed hair cut like Toni Braxton. Now she is that dude. But not really that dude...but you get my drift

So over the course of an hour we talked and debated over roles and labels. She didn't back down from her original statement. But she did eventually admit that perhaps I was more feminine then femme. When I mentioned that I saw myself differently, felt like I had a few traces of masculinity, she smirked. Even though we were talking on the phone I coudl see her shaking her head. "Impossible" she said, "You wear dresses. I don't wear dresses so I'm masculine. You are not." It's not like I am trying to insert myself into her boys club, but I don't think subscribing to the sisterhood of femme embodies me.

Femme to me is Beyonce walking along the beach in six inch heels, women who demand that you take care of them, young girls at the club dry grinding in spandex with baby butches, etc. You get my point.

Then there is Stud. Hmmm they are adolescent versions of gay women. I won't even say that studs are the pre cursors to butches, cause I know alot of refined, cultivated and well mannered butch women who embrace the masculinity without the coonery. When I was 22 and hanging out, it was cool to see a girl in a wife beater and cargoes. Sometimes I would throw on my army cargo pants, a fitted T and a hat and thug it out myself. But even in that moment that I embodied a boi, I recognized it as more of a performance than anything else. I did not assume that at 32,34, 36 etc it would be cool for me to rock some Phat Farm shorts and Timberlands.

Not that there is anything wrong with dressing masculine. I have to give a big shout out to all my Banana Republic, Gap, Tommy Hilfiger, eclectic dressing women who are sophisticated with their style. Then there are those rare eclectic mixes of women who weave masculine and feminine elements into their entire being in a manner that belies defining. To me this is the true measure of freedom. They exist in a world of their own.

More to come.....