We had agreed that when we met that we would be free
Formless
Not fall prey to the dictates and doctrines outlined in the
Pink manual of life
So while being in the life we agreed that she and I would
merely remain us
Unchanged
Un-rearranged
Free flowing
Universally aligned
Liberated
Conscious
Black women
But somewhere between the relocation and MA
She changed or rather rearranged her dogma
I became something of a threat
Something of a challenge
A little to ruff for her
A little to much for her
Her constant mental attacks of
“you should date a lipstick lesbian” or perhaps you would be
better off with a man
created confusion and began to cloud my identity like iced
windows in the morning
I doubted myself
Began to see confusion in myself
Began to feel strangely bisexual and out of place with the
tenets that we had adopted when we started
When I had her heart and
She accepted the fact that even though pearls and
A-line/nipped waist dresses were my thing
I still had an edge
Aggressive
Aggressive/assertive
Incompatible with her definition of my femme exterior
When I stand up for myself and speak my mind
Challenging her bravado and masculine ego
I am being manlike
But when I crouch in the corner and cry
I am being to emotional (but isn’t that what femmes do? So
being helpless and vulnerable is also unattractive and to much for her?)
I am confused
I mean how many other parts of me
do I have to lose to have her re-understand me
I thought we had already navigated through these issues
But these issues grow deeper
Forced on by her neglect
And the fact that I have had to play daddy and mommy for far
to long
I have had to give into her temper tantrums for far to long
I have had to foot the bill financially and emotionally for
us
Be the foundation that held us together
Become that crazy glue
Unbreakable as Alicia keyes would say
But here SHE is telling me that I act to hard
I am not girly as she would like
Or perhaps I am not as needy as she would like
Not tapping into her need to play “captain save a hoe”
The great rescuer
Not admitting to herself or saying it out loud that it is
this environment
has shifted the balance in me and in us
And if she was truthful with herself then she would
recognize
that her masculine exterior and chiseled facial features are
deceptively camouflaging the little girl or boy
Who yearns for a mami
Which I am not trying to be
I was trying to be her partner
Her lover
Her equal
Trying to create equilibrium in this relationship
Despite exterior walls painted in baby blue and pink
Despite the fact that we both had strong spirits
Despite the fact that when they see me with her
She outs me
Makes it painfully clear that we are a “WE”
I thought we could be
I thought she would be the one who would allow me
the freedom to be simply me
Seeing as I had accepted her.
