The Floorboard

Faded spots on empty walls
filled with former memories
haunt her
Remind her of love lost/placed on hold
for this moment
This hour
This day
This visit
Her reality while formally filled with love, and warmth touching
Kissing tongues, brown hands fumbling for belt loops and bra straps
Are replaced with impartiality where she plays the role
Passing like quadroons, octoroons and mulattoes
During turbulent times when being a negro was considered dangerous and undesirable
Similar to how being gay or being "outed" must feel to her now
Must feel like a choking sensation in her throatYou know the feeling of being the most invisible/visible person around
Going through this second adolescence
Getting accustomed to new sounds
New feelings
Preparing herself for the reality that this lesbian shit right here is real
Even though she doesn't relate to shirtless dykes strapped up in marches and baby butches passing for bois…she understands what it means to love a woman
Or rather to love me
Cause lately she's made it a point to reiterate how much she loves me
Wants me
Honors me
Gives salutations
In celebration ofL-O-V-E
Can conquer all things
Can be all things
Is unconditional…
But yet it can't seem to solve quell your fears and trepidation
Hesitation that she must feel when
People ask questions like"Is that your girl? Who's your girl?"
The double layered meaning doesn't soaks into her skin or cerebellum like mine
but floats over her like clouds in the sky
her crown is clouded by L-O-V-E
while I remain grounded
confounded by this situationand my reality
Dressed in camouflage
Subtlety...but nonetheless dressed in full pageantry
The reverse of drag
I go inward/walk backwards all in the name of piece
She found me
Love found me
But now I'm trying to find me
Or rather hold on to the definition that it has taken me ten years to create/define/evolve
Past these seven letters or caricatures of what we look like
Should be likeI have moved beyond it
In addition to the fact that her and my mutual femininity complete with clutch handbags and lip gloss
Hide the fact that we could be/should be with men I've accepted it
But has she?
Maybe that's it
This hetero normative thing makes this particular situation scary
It was scary for me too
So it's not like I don't understandAnd yet….my bitter(sweetness) grows Seeps into my heart daily
Enhanced by the fact that to most I am just her friend
This whimsical friend that appeared from who knows where
Involuntarily deceit
Because of potential persecutionBecause of potential rejection
Because it's not the right timeAs we go over our timeline for having babies
Creating savings, bonds and joint property
Playing Dyke{nolpoly)
Bypass COMING OUT, collect your wife and build a home
Is what you must be thinking
Planning this simple life while I pull the curtains back from windows hoping that one day she will come out the closet
Pull up the floorboards and realize that everyone already knows