The labels. No matter how much I try to move conversations away from labels, I come back to the same place--What do you define yourself as? Who is the man in your relationship.
These heteronormative labels don't really fit me or any of my friends, and yet we often find ourselves interacting with gay and straight people who feel the need to place us in metaphorical boxes. Here's a few examples:
Janet and Lisa are both feminine in that they wear lip gloss, dress feminine and are perceived as girly. When they go out, no one really knows they are a couple. One day they are visiting a mutual friend whose brother says, "They both look like girls. Which one is the man?"
Carrie looks androgynous. She's a mixture of butch glamour and tomboy sophistication. She is multi faceted and likes pedicures and cologne. When she meets women, they insist that she 'butch it up', wear the pants (literally and symbolically. She is just trying to be herself.
These two scenarios are not that random. Members of the community have always struggled with being defined by outsiders and now fight with definitions from within. The need to define oneself as a stud, femme, butch, AG was often a product of creating an understanding for straight people who defined us as "others". Even in claiming a label, what does that say? If I am femme, does that mean I can't be a top? If I am a butch, does that mean that I don't cook, can't/don't want to submit?
In the end, we have to come to our own understanding of how these labels work. But don't put us in another closet.
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